So Much Joy You Can Give

Mum seemed very pleased to see me when I popped in today. I could hear her laughter as I signed the visitors’ book and I was greeted with the type of beaming smile which has often been absent recently. Conversation was stilted at best but Mum was attentive and even, at one point, asked me the time. I can’t remember the last time she posed any kind of question. I’m not sure why she wanted to know what time it was, and I’m not sure she knew either, but that’s besides the point. We smiled together, and I felt a warm glow inside. This was still my Mum in front of me.

And so, I was rather taken aback when Mum announced that she hadn’t seen Duncan for ages and doesn’t know where he is, adding that it didn’t really matter. That warm feeling had suddenly become an icy blast. Again I was reminded that though Mum recognises my face, she doesn’t seem to know why. She’s still my Mum but, to her, I’m not her son. When you’re the loved one of someone living with dementia, you have to be prepared for these little explosions. 

So how do I you cope with it? To be honest, moments like this don’t really faze me any more. Any pain comes later – at the time, I go with it:

“No Mum, I’m not sure,” and a reassuring smile. The lines of a song came to mind: “Smile, though your heart is breaking.”

A few months ago, I might have challenged gently: “Oh Mum, what do you mean? I’m Duncan.” No longer. In some ways, it’s enough that the name Duncan still resonates with her. I’ll settle for that.

I hadn’t taken her a magazine today. In fact, one of the members of staff suggested that we should probably cancel Mum’s daily newspaper as she no longer shows any interest in it. So, after bringing Mum up to date with my few pieces of news, I turned, as I often do, to music. I worked my way through the music stored on my ‘phone and there weren’t many I knew would instantly appeal to Mum. I recently downloaded the soundtrack to the stage show “West Side Story” and chose “Somewhere”. Mum was immediately engaged and started to hum along. The words eluded her but the tune was there. Emboldened, I moved on. Soon Shirley Bassey was helping us to clamber up every mountain, albeit with the odd stumble. With the encouragement of a member of staff who was having her lunch nearby, Mum was able to recall many of the words and, urged on, tried to match Ms Bassey in the final chorus. Her face was a picture of pure happiness – Mum’s not Shirley’s. She would have probably been horrified at the competing duet. 

It wasn’t like days gone by but it was special. Music has always been a part of my life and my relationship with Mum. So, I urged Mum to sing an encore and chose a song which was a vivid part of my childhood. As soon as the first notes sounded, Mum was away, head- nodding, and foot-tapping. The last time Mum and I had listened to “Bring me Sunshine” together had been as we left the church at the end of Dad’s memorial service. Then, it lightened the mood and made sure people left smiling, as Dad would have wished. Today, Mum and I sang along, almost word-perfect and though Mum was following my lead, there could be no doubt that the song recalled happy times for her. She sang all the write notes, almost in the right order and it was a lovely moment. 

Those often seem few and far between but when they come, those moments are so very precious.



About duncancajones

I am a coach and mentor, a charity trustee and a journalist. Thanks for taking the time to visit my blog.
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6 Responses to So Much Joy You Can Give

  1. Patrick Fisher says:

    I so understand how it shatters you inside when they know your face but not your name. Dad always beams when he sees me but when asked who i am he calls me his good friend. It was hard at first but just became another thing lost in time.

  2. Ray Burow says:

    I am convinced that there is a direct correlation between music and the brain. My mother, who also had dementia, was able to recall the words of songs and recognized tunes. I think it is because music reaches the soul of a person. At any rate, it is a blessing bestowed to us right? This was a lovely post. Thank you.

  3. I have only just discovered your blog and am reading through your posts with interest. My mother has Alzheimer’s and I have found that music can have a very calming effect – on both of us. It provides an opportunity to connect with the person they once were, rather than the person they have become. On ‘difficult’ days, if I take mum and Frank Sinatra out for a drive, within a few minutes mum will be singing along and things improve.

    • Rachel,
      Many apologies for taking so long to reply. I had replied in my head but not, I think, for real. I hope you don’t have too many difficult days and that Frank is still working his magic.
      Best wishes,

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